I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
