He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
