If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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