on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
