Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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