she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
