Please don't use social media to get back at me.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Randomize
