I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
he's single and there are thong briefs.
Randomize
