I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
