i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
