He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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