Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
