So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
