ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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