Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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