party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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