Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Enjoy the penises
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
