I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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