Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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