and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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