Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
