this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
