but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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