How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
