I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
