I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
Randomize
