I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
