Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
