A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Just woke up and stopped at the WaWa in Virginia. Had major morning wood and didn't try to hide it when walking around. So many awkward stares.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
