So drunk its hurt
quick i need to know how implid consent works for golf carts
too late i think im gettin a gcui
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
Randomize
