It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
