So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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