My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
