Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
