I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
