Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Randomize
