I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Actions speak louder than pants.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
