i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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