Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
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