I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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