so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
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