Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
