When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
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