At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
a search helicopter?!
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
