Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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