those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
