when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Randomize
