May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
