don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
