take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
